A Brief Visual Timeline of Me

| cclelandnissen

There’s some pretty big gaps in time, but it’s not too bad. I haven’t been able to look at most of my photos from 2008-2020 since I’ve been in recovery for my eating disorder, so there were some interesting memories brought up here and there, but I’m good.

I think looking at the overall timeline of very brief moments in my timeline kind of help me remember things in order. With PTSD, a lot of my memories from those years are kind of blurred. These photos really helped validate my experiences too.

I only recently learned that I had been seeing life through a fragmented lens. I truly believed I was not thin enough, and certainly never fucking pretty enough. It was never something I was “just saying”, but looking back at these photos, I can tell why people would think that I was making it up. It’s so much more obvious to some one with a healthier mind to see that I was clearly unwell. But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, I never thought I looked thin. I never liked what I looked like. I have never once felt in my life like I was skinny enough. I never reached my goal, because I was in the hospital before I could get there. My body would just not let me get down to 65lbs, and it seriously tortured me. I was reminded that even at 70 pounds, I was embarrassed by the size of my legs. That does sound absurd to me now, but I felt it strongly then. And I feel it strongly now. Because I will live with this disorder forever. But we carry on.

Of course ED steals the show! So aside from the darker days, observing the timeline made me feel good. I still feel like a failure, and like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, or if it’s even important or am I just wasting time… every single day. And obviously I’m still butting heads with my more critical side. But backing up and looking at all the parts put together in a big timeline leaves me feeling so grateful for everything that has made me who I am today.

I’m where I always wanted to be, but it took me a while to believe that I deserved to be. It’s good to be home ❤

To Lost Time 🍻

| cclelandnissen

So, I’m putting together a project involving my photos from the past 20 years, and I’m only 1/4 of the way looking through them at this point in time. It’s a project I’ve been wanting to start for years, but I get overwhelmed when I start going through my pictures, there are a lot of painful memories.

An interesting thing I noticed is that the photos of me seem like they’re not me, and I really don’t remember looking like that. I don’t remember much from those years, which they say is normal with eating disorder patients. Apparently you need to eat regularly for your brain to work! Who knew?

I think back and I’m ashamed of nearly everything. Mostly how I treated others. I hate that my eating disorder was always top priority for me, and I had decided to just wait around until it’d kill me. I hate that I let it take over everything.

Your real life, your relationships, they get blurred so that your disorder can stay in focus, and it’s fucked up. I’m still working on not blaming myself for that. I’m still working on not thinking I’m a selfish piece of shit.

But now that I’ve been working on integrating myself more, and practicing self compassion (barf) I see this person much differently than I used to. I don’t hate her anymore, I’m not disgusted by her appearance, I can’t sit here and pick her apart, because I honestly can’t think of much.

I just want to help her, because I know she’s really hurt, confused and lost. But I also know she is stubborn and likes to learn things the hard way, and get hurt, and fuck everything up on her own damn time.