There’s some pretty big gaps in time, but it’s not too bad. I haven’t been able to look at most of my photos from 2008-2020 since I’ve been in recovery for my eating disorder, so there were some interesting memories brought up here and there, but I’m good.

I think looking at the overall timeline of very brief moments in my timeline kind of help me remember things in order. With PTSD, a lot of my memories from those years are kind of blurred. These photos really helped validate my experiences too.

I only recently learned that I had been seeing life through a fragmented lens. I truly believed I was not thin enough, and certainly never fucking pretty enough. It was never something I was “just saying”, but looking back at these photos, I can tell why people would think that I was making it up. It’s so much more obvious to some one with a healthier mind to see that I was clearly unwell. But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, I never thought I looked thin. I never liked what I looked like. I have never once felt in my life like I was skinny enough. I never reached my goal, because I was in the hospital before I could get there. My body would just not let me get down to 65lbs, and it seriously tortured me. I was reminded that even at 70 pounds, I was embarrassed by the size of my legs. That does sound absurd to me now, but I felt it strongly then. And I feel it strongly now. Because I will live with this disorder forever. But we carry on.

Of course ED steals the show! So aside from the darker days, observing the timeline made me feel good. I still feel like a failure, and like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, or if it’s even important or am I just wasting time… every single day. And obviously I’m still butting heads with my more critical side. But backing up and looking at all the parts put together in a big timeline leaves me feeling so grateful for everything that has made me who I am today.

I’m where I always wanted to be, but it took me a while to believe that I deserved to be. It’s good to be home ❤